Very Alarming

I look at my alarm clock, it says 6:17. I then look out my window and a shadow looms over and casts into my bedroom. It's tall and slender. I close my eyes tight and reopen them. He's now standing there, he has no face, his skin is white, he's wearing a suit and tie. He tilts his head, and I wake up. I look at my alarm clock, it says 6:16.

Hiss

Written by James B. Davis

As I walked down the dark abandoned school hall way, there was a rustling sound behind me. As I looked back I saw the faintest shadow move through the door, It was small, about the size of a cat, and I immediately knew what it was. I rushed through the door and turned on my flash light. I saw the thing, sitting on an old teachers desk, it looked just like they said it did. It had huge red, almost spider like eyes, and large fangs pointing down, it had a rat like face, it's hands where like that of a rat's or human's, it had a long rat like tail, and it's body was covered in course matted black hair. It seemingly smiled with it's horrid face, it jumped down into the darkness and seemed to disappeared. I felt it rub against my leg and it bit me! I pointed my flashlight down to see blood gushing from leg. I looked up and saw the thing siting there, looking at me. It ran toward me and I ran out of the room. It tripped and hit the floor, it crawled up onto my chest and hissed. It opened it horrid mouth, revealing thousands of before unseen teeth, and that was that..

Super Mario Bros.

Written by James B. Davis

The following was found on a computer screen after a person was killed at her house.

Okay, the writing of this might be kind of crappy, but I'm writing this as I'm playing this game. The game is Super Mario Bros. the original one. I'm gonna try and get the beginning of this story done as quickly as I can. I bought Mario at a garage sale for about 5 dollars (I had just bought the game console and was searching for games).Okay so I brought the game home and started playing it. The game seemed normal at first but it started glitching, so much that it was impossible to see what was happening. 

So I turned off the game and started again. I jumped onto one of those tube things and went down. This time there was no glitches but instead there was this.

I had no idea what that was, it was looked like a mask or something. So I just turned off the game again, I stopped playing for the day. So today I turned on the game and for sometime it seemed normal. But then I saw this.

What the hell? So I started thinking the was hacked or something. But who the hell would hack the game to put this weird shit in.

That last thing was about two hours ago. And since then, everything has seemed normal.

Okay, it's been 6 minutes since I wrote the last thing. Now things are getting weird again. The last level started over again, three times! What the hell? And that not the weird thing, this is...

What the fuck is that?!

Okay, I'm literally freaking out right now, I don't know what to do. There are banging sounds, and I can't tell if they're coming from the game or if they're coming from around me.

That thing's sprite has changed it looks like this now.

I'm gonna fucking flip out, I'm turning off the game.

Okay the game has been turned off, but the banging sound is still faintly there, like tribal sounding drums.

There's shadows moving all around me.

Somethings out side my window, it's tall, it has no face, it looks like the sprite from the game.

It just disappeared, where the fuck is it!

Parental Guidance

By: James B. Davis

I just lay there, looking at the closet, I wasn't going to look behind me, if I did It would kill me, I'd been seeing It for weeks, and know It was ready. My little sister was sleeping on the bed above me, she had know idea what was in the room or what It was and what It was able to do. I could hear It's claws scraping the wall, I could hear It breathing, I could smell It's foul odor, like a dead bear. My parents were downstairs, sleeping in the basement.

I could hear It take a ever couple minute but then slowly step back, like he wanted to come up slightly hesitating. It growled, like a mix between a dog and bear, such an evil sound. I was keeping the tears for falling down my face, I was keeping myself from screaming and crying, if made any sound It would creep up behind me, and kill me.

The creature finally made his evil scream and I jumped from my bed, It followed behind me, right at my back, I tripped on a toy of little sister's and fall right on my stomach. I turned around and the creature slowly crawled over top of me, I'd never seen It so vividly, It's skin was pale, his eye were a grayish black, his arms were about three feet long, as were his legs, he walked on all fours, his ripped looked nearly exposed he was skinny, It had claws four inches long each, on his hands and his feet.

I look to my side out of terror, and see my father standing in the kitchen door way. I see him take four heavy steps, toward me and It screams in hope of sending fear into of father's heart, but it sends nothing more than rage. My father grabs the It by the throat, and throws to the corner. My father then puts his foot to It's chest, to keep it from moving, I see crawl back to a corner and see my father bring down a storm of rapid punches, It falls to the ground it exhaustion, I look it a mix between horror and owe as my father put a series stomps to It's head with his bare feet, turning the creature's head into a mass of jelly.

I sit there in the corner shaking, and never blinking, my eyes wide open stay stuck to It. My father walks toward and lifts me up by the hand, my eyes still wide open and fixed on It, and he takes me to the couch “Don't look at it.” he says softly, but my eyes still are still fixed It. The sun was rising and the moon was falling, the star faded away, and the clouds illuminated pink and red...

Acid Bombs

      “Do you think they'll drop the bomb?” that was once a question that was often asked, be fore the New World. It all happened decades ago, when the acid washed the fields, when the flame devoured the cities, when the creatures burned. We are the new creatures, the new life, the ones that live under the rubble, the ones that scavenge the leftovers of the flying Pterodactyls, they awoke from an ancient sleep when the bombs fell, when the acid bombs fell upon the great mountains. We are the ones that drink the pink and red waters of the sea. We are the Gas Mask Men.

Spring Break Monster Marathon: His Name Is R

By James B. Davis

He follows me,

I love him,

He walks in front of me,

As I walk down the street,

Walking on all fours,

His tongue out.

He yells with his ruff sound,

At all who us pass by,

I call him R,

I don't know why,

I love him,

And he loves me,

His long claws drag on the floor,

His name is R,

His eyes dark black,

His name is R,

He crawls away at night,

His name is R,

Others call him The Rake,

His name is R,

Spring Break Monster Marathon: Can you see him?

       He's looking at me now, with his blank white eyes. He's right there in the door way, can't you see him? Can't you see the blood dripping from his claws, paleness in his skin? He's looking right in my eyes, watching. He's slowly creeping toward me, his claws dragging on the ground behind him. Can't you hear the sound, the sound of his deep breath and his skin rubbing together? He can hear you, he can hear your heart beat, the sound of your lunges slowly filling with air. He's even closer now, there's nothing I can do, there's nothing you can do either. I just close my eyes, I hope this nothing but a dream, nothing but nocturnal fear. It's too late know...

Spring Break Monster Marathon: Dover

By James B. Davis

Goblins, Vampire, Werewolves, Ogres, and Trolls. None of them exist, and yet, in our mind, the back of our mind, we believe. Though THEY, don't exist, something does, something that lives in the woods, the woods of Dover, Massachusetts, I'm sure you've heard of it.

It all started when I moved to Dover, I'd heard stories, you know, about the demon, of course I didn't believe, at least not at the time. I moved out into a little house in the middle of the woods. The house was in a large bare circle of nothing but grass, except for one tall oak tree. The house itself was brick, covered in vines, grape vines. It had three large chimneys one in the back, two in the front.

The inside was amazing, the walls had carvings, carvings of the woods, of the ocean, even of strange desert landscapes. It had rock floors, and wooden walls. Vines even covered the inside walls, some covered the floor. The main chimney in the front of the house had a large rock carving of an enormous owl with it's wings spread wide, it had marble eyes, golden claws, and the tips of the wing's feathers were covered in silver. In the back of the house, a giant stone monolith stood in the middle of my bedroom, it had carvings of owls, and the top was a golden pyramid, with a carving of strange head with no mouth, and big, round, empty eyes.

After looking threw the entire house, I came to the kitchen, and loaded a small haul of groceries into the cupboards, and into the bronze refrigerator. The kitchen was just as amazing as the rest of the house. It had a large monolith, just as my bedroom, in the middle of the room, the refrigerator was bronze and an owl was carved into the freezer's door.

I walked outside early the next morning, looked out to the trees beyond my grass yard, bushes and tall grass covered the edge, the rustled in the wind and gave a sound like a thousand crickets. I sipped my coffee, I took a bite of my hash brown, and walked down onto the grass. The sun had just broke threw the clouds, and the morning dew light up like fireworks. After about an hour of just standing there, soaking up the sun light I went back inside.

That night, I heard a strange crying sound from my window, like a baby alone under the moon. The crying turn into soft screaming, which turning into horrid screeching, like eagles and owls. I heard the crickets scream, and dogs miles away barking in vane. In screamed out in fear, and all sound vanished, no crickets, no dogs, none of the horrid screeching.

The silence was worse than the screaming, the wait for something to break the silence. Finally something broke the silence, the bush outside my window rustled, clawing on the window, and a crack. I jump from my bed and there's a hole in my window, about the size of baseball, two red eyes, like marbles in the light. They slowly faded, like moonlight behind the clouds.

After that night, day was terrifying. Any sound flipped my wig, a creak, a squeak, even a dog's bark. All through the day I was scared of all sounds. When the landlord's car drove up the driveway I nearly fell on the floor in a fearful frenzy. I waked out to greet him and down through the yard. “How the house treating you?” said my landlord as he climbed out of his large four wheel drive land rover “Pretty good I guess.” I said running my hand of my hair. “What you mean you guess, is there a problem?” he said looking at the house “No, no... well, I guess, it's just the bedroom window's broken. I guess it happened in the middle of the night, woke up to it broken.” said I looking straight at him “I'm sorry, probably some stupid kids. Well if everything's good, I'll be back on the fifth for the rent.” he said while climbing back into his car “What about the window?” I said looking up at giant vehicle “I'll send someone over by next week to fix it.” he yelled out the window as he drove away. I was still terrified, and by night the terror would triple.

That night, while sleeping I heard a crash, like the dropping of plates. A loud screeching sound came from the kitchen like an owl. I walked into the hallway with carvings watching me from all sides. A lamp to my side, I grab it from the small table to my side. I walk to the kitchen and see a shadow on the wall, the shadow of something hunched over. I slowly peek into the room, to see a pale creature with huge red eyes, a mouth full of sharp short teeth, a long alien like head, and long spines down it's back. It was eating a steak from the fridge, which was wide open. Food was allover the floor, meat fruit, soup, but not a single vegetable.

I step forward and step onto a can, making a loud crushing sound, the creature lifted it's terrible head up and looked to the doorway I was standing, it looked right in my eye's and let out a terrible scream. The creature ran on all fours toward me, at top speed. I ran out of the hallway, down to my bedroom, with that thing following me.

 I slammed the door, and the creature started scratching it. I sat there, for hours still hearing the scratching, and I climb into my bed. I looked up and saw my broken window, and I stood up on my bed. I smashed the window and climbed out and ran down my road. I looked to all sides looking for someone or a car, instead I see something terrible. Eyes, red eyes, all around me, ten of the same creatures came out of bushes, the creatures claws slide out of their fingers and they stood up on their back legs, each only three feet tall, but their claws each were least two feet long. They slowly came in closer toward me,with their claws toward me, The Demons of Dover...

Spring Break Monster Marathon

    At the start of Spring break (tomorrow) Scary Lasagna will have a Monster Marathon, every day of spring break, a new monster pasta. We will start off with one named Dover, the rest I have yet to write.
    I may get a guest writer as well, but it's not very likely, I will request for the writer of I told You So to be a guest writer.

No Longer

By: James B. Davis

The ship drifted through the empty cosmos, no fuel, no supplies. The captain sat there no expression in his eyes, his body looking like a skeleton with skin laid over it. The ship was silent like deep sea abyss, yet something moved inside.

A skinny, clawed creature moved like a snake. Thousands of dead bodies laid on the floor, the creature crawled over the piles of dead. The creature picked a figure off a body, and placed it in it's mouth. The bones crushed, the flesh squished, and the blood squirted.

 It crawled over to a vent and crawled in to it vile homestead. Skulls hung on the walls, blood washed the floor, a single light hung over in the room. The creature scratched “124^th day” on the wall. The creature slowly came into the light revealing it's terrible face, dark gray, blank white eyes, and a mouth full of short sharp teeth. It dragged it's claws on the floor as it walked. It was hunched over like a caveman, as it walked toward it's large pile of bones and nestled it self inside, and it slowly went into a silent sleep...

Harmburger

 By: Jonathan Wojcik from Bogleech.com

I'd worked with meat for most of my life. Delis, slaughterhouses, even a sausage factory. Not glamorous, no, but it paid the rent and I was used to it. Apparently I was even exceptional at it, since I'd suddenly been invited to interview for a "once in a lifetime opportunity" in "high end meat service." I didn't know what that was supposed to mean. It sounded like a lot of bullshit lingo, and so did most of the interview. I couldn't even tell exactly what the job was supposed to entail. One minute it sounded like food service for a wealthier crowd, the next like quality control at a factory. Whatever the hell it was, I was sure I'd get the hang of it, and it paid easily twice what I was used to earning.

That was assuming, of course, that I even got the job. My interviewer was emotionally unreadable and remarkably unremarkable, like some cartoonish parody of a stuffy federal agent. Suit, tie, cheap haircut, glasses, nearly monotone speech pattern. I couldn't even tell that our meeting was concluded when he stiffly extended his arm for an uncomfortably cold, moist handshake.

That was the last thing I remembered before the meat locker.

I awoke alone on its hard, tiled floor with blurred vision. I was still dressed for the interview. Had I been drugged? Had I tripped and fallen? I searched my memory for some kind of company tour, anything that might have filled in the blanks.

I sat up and took in my surroundings. Huge beef carcasses swung softly in the corner. Every wall was dominated by shelves of riveted sheet metal, packed full of butchered parts. Another corner was occupied by immense metal drums, probably filled with processed scrap. There were large coolers to my left and a massive shelf of what looked like pickle jars to my right. The door was more like a bank vault's than a freezer, with a wheel-like mechanism that didn't even belong on the inside.

It didn't budge in any direction. Locked.

I called for help. I pounded with my fists. I tried my phone. No signal. I was more angry than afraid, forgetting the entire mystery of how I got here and just pissed that an allegedly "high end" business would be this goddamn careless. I was already formulating my complaint speech when it started to dawn on me that I wasn't cold.

That didn't make sense.

The lights were working, and I could hear the hum of machinery, but the room was barely cool. Nothing frozen, nothing even frosty. It was even a little warm. By the time everything had thawed like this, the stink should have been suffocating, but there wasn't a hint of anything other than freshly butchered, bloody meat. It was as if every last thing in here had been chopped up only moments before I arrived.

Anger slowly gave way to curiosity as I more closely investigated the contents of the vault. I couldn't tell what most of these things even were. You learn a lot about anatomy when you've been cutting it apart for a living. What I'd taken to be beef carcasses were all wrong, completely different bone structure. Not deer, hopefully not horse. The plucked birds varied wildly in size and shape, none the usual barnyard fowl. Nearby was a rack of what looked like skinned snakes. There were things that reminded me of elephant's trunks, crocodile tails, ostrich talons, even a pile of severed, monkey-like feet, but the proportions were a little funny. The colors and textures seemed just slightly unnatural.

Nothing was even labeled in a language I could name. It all looked like meaningless squiggles, like a child pretending to emulate a foreign alphabet. Stamped everywhere was the same stupid looking company icon; a smiling, cartoon hamburger in a tiny little chef's hat, big round Simpsons-looking eyeballs staring straight ahead.

Still playing tough-guy, I could only think that all this shit must have cost a fortune. Half of it was probably on an endangered list, somewhere. I wondered if I could blackmail these assholes. I spent another few minutes screaming for attention. I banged at the door with with a big, heavy can of God knows what. I tried my phone again. Still nothing. Worse still, I was beginning to feel hungry. How long had I even been here?

I wasn't about to try eating anything raw, but I had yet to give the pickle shelf a closer look. There were hundreds of jars. Something in them had to be palatable. I considered how expensive they might be, but they'd have to have a lot of gall to charge me at this point.

The jars were oddly dusty, as though they hadn't been touched in months. I picked one at random and wiped it clean. Eyeballs. Somehow not surprising.

I tried another. It was packed with fat, white spiders. Some people. I passed again on what resembled a bundle of spaghetti erupting from a heart, ditto on the purple maggots. A jar of fetal mice was the only thing I'd ever actually seen for sale as food before, in a Korean market, and probably the only thing I wouldn't have bitten into to save my life. Another jar was filled with something black, fuzzy and tangled. It didn't look like anything. 

As I held it up to the light for a closer look, it jerkily, abruptly twisted in its glass prison with a muffled, gurgling squelch. I let out a mighty F-bomb and fell straight on my ass. The jar sailed from my clutches and shattered hard against the floor. The thing inside uncurled. It looked like a slick, black octopus. Its little arms flexed. It was alive.

I gagged a little, watching the tiny squid-thing drag itself nowhere in particular. How was that even possible? What the hell survives PICKLING?

The wiggling glob set off an avalanche of new alarm bells. Things I'd skimmed over were coming back to gnaw my brain. Keeping my distance from the shattered jar and its impossible contents, I rifled through shelves with a new found awe and disgust, registering things my brain had been refusing to dwell on. Elephant trunks? Was I an idiot? What the hell kind of elephant has a trunk with fangs on the end? What bird has webbed, metallic fins where it's supposed to have wings? What in God's name has a head like a hairy sawfish and no eyes? The "snakes," on closer inspection, had legs. A lot of legs. Something like a six-winged housefly was impaled on a skewer, as big as a Maine lobster. Even I knew that insects didn't have little human-looking teeth and jaws.

Anger was all I had to drown out my growing terror. I stomped around the Pantry From Beyond for over an hour, calling for help again whenever my lungs stopped aching. I popped open one of the coolers, half expecting a giant tentacle to reach out and pull me inside. I definitely wasn't expecting to find hundreds of perfectly clean, white, cat-like skeletons, neatly shrink wrapped on styrofoam trays. A happy hamburger sticker was plastered to each, its right eye in a mocking wink. "WHO THE FUCK IS EATING SKELETONS!?" I roared aloud to nobody as I slammed it shut.

I was almost too baffled, too frustrated to hear the metallic clinking behind me. The long, groaning creak was what caught my attention.

The sound of a door opening. Of THE door opening.

The rage, the fear, the million and a half desperate questions all but melted away. Tears were already welling in my eyes as I turned to greet my savior.

Standing in the doorway was a hamburger in a chef's hat.


Now, you might expect anyone's first instinct to be that this was only some poor bastard in a stuffy costume, perhaps on his way to dance around for some snotty brats when he happened to pass by and heard me shrieking. You would have had to have been there to know just how blatantly, immediately wrong it all was.

No corporation, no human being in their right mind would have commissioned this abomination as an advertising mascot. Not with every ground gobbet of meat in steaming, glistening detail. Not with black and green splotches of mold eating away at its oversized bun. Not with waxy streams of curdled grease dribbling to the floor like frothy dog slobber and sure as hell not with the overwhelming, unmistakable stink of hot, moist, extremely spoiled meat. Even at a distance I could see the undulation of tiny, white maggots. 

The huge, wet, bloodshot eyeballs pulsed rhythmically in their lidless, perfectly circular sockets, and the thing's improbably long, ropy ground-beef arms wobbled around like the limbs of a marionette. Its legs were strangely bare. Hairy, knobbly and disturbingly tiny; the legs of an ancient, emaciated dwarf. They also connected with the body a good five feet apart.

There was absolutely no way for anything shaped like a human being to be inside this thing.

We stared each other down in an awkward, thoughtless silence, man and sandwich, for what seemed like several minutes when it reached one of its slimy muppet arms back to the door and slowly, calmly pulled it shut. From somewhere behind its back, it withdrew the biggest meat cleaver I'd ever seen outside a Looney Tunes bit.

Oh Jesus Fuck.

I took a step back. IT took a step forward. A dangling clot of meat plopped wetly to the floor like a hunk of shit.

Before I knew it, the ugly, tiny legs had whipped into a frenzy of motion, a mad skitter I can only compare to a dog trying to tap-dance on an ice rink, though the whole thing only glided forward in a slow, steady pace, burger-body wobbling like a jell-o mold but never quite tipping over. It would have been damn entertaining if a rather large and sharp slab of metal didn't come sailing within an inch of my stomach.

You never really know your own reflexes until they're keeping your intestines where they belong. The locker may have been huge, but the thing had a good five foot or six foot reach. It took another shot at my stomach. I fell backwards as it went for my eyes and rolled just in time to save an ankle, the weapon sticking for one life-saving moment in some sort of inside-out sloth. It dawned on me that none of these precisely aimed strikes would have actually killed me, and I made a noise unbecoming of an adult.

The rest of our battle, if you can call it that, was a continuous rush of blind, primal panic. I overturned boxes, I threw whatever I could lift. I tore around the room like a trapped animal as a god-damn hamburger tried to maim me in a vault full of dead monsters. Go ahead and laugh, asshole.

I was in hysterics by the time I got a shot at the door. It wasn't locked anymore, but the damn wheel could only turn at a snail's pace. I could hear the bastard skittering behind me, the whistle of the cleaver closer and closer. I was finally about to give up on the door when I heard the splat.

He had fallen.

He was flat on his stupid fucking sandwich face.

It was the pickle jar. The one I'd broken. He had slipped on that black, oily octopus thing like a banana peel, leaving a long, dark smear on the floor. He didn't move a muscle, assuming he had any.

Despite everything I'd seen up to this point, I was not expecting what happened next.

Swiftly and silently, the room stirred to life. I'm not even ashamed to say I pissed myself. So would you. I'd practically earned it by now.

Claws flexed. Eyes snapped open. Skinned and headless bodies teetered upright on bony stubs. Everything in the room that had hypothetically been alive at one time was waking up, and all of their attention was on the prone body of the burger-man. Cuts of meat rippled toward the crumpled beast like caterpillars. Intestines slinked along like sweaty, pale blue worms. The cooler of skeletons burst open, bony bodies trailing whisps of plastic wrap as they poured forth in an antlike stream. Soon, the fallen mascot was barely visible beneath a scrabbling, churning heap of mutilated monsters, a pool of remarkably normal blood spreading rapidly outwards.

A feeding frenzy. Even the life-saving little squid, none the worse for wear, was inching its merry way towards the nearest hunk of burger. Godspeed.

Confident the swarming meat was adequately distracted, I turned back to the door and put my full weight on the wheel. An agonizing twelve seconds later, it popped ajar and creakily swung open. I didn't think about what might be on the other side. I slipped out the instant I had room, slammed it shut and locked it tight.

I collapsed my back against it and slumped to the floor, panting as I came down off my adrenaline high, my mind momentarily refusing to process my new surroundings.

My oddly familiar surroundings. Not as cold as they should be.

Something almost, but not quite like the head of a pig licked its chops from a nearby shelf.

Standing between me and the next door was a small chicken. Plucked and headless.

It cocked its shotgun.

The Slender Man

By: James B. Davis

So so slender

So so slender

Why do you look that way

Tux and tie

Why do you make them die

Under the bed

Hiding in the shed

My skin crawls

Heart rate falls

Blood runs cold

getting ready to face the great unknown

So so Slender

So so Slender

The Branches Sway

Why do they look that way

Arms Reach out

This is the end no doubt

No way of getting out

This is the end no doubt

Started out as child's play

No way of getting away

Don't look back

My life has ended and that's a fact

So so slender

So so slender

Collecting souls along the way

What is this evil and vile game he plays

Arms like vines

whipping black lines

Cover you with darkness till you are blind

He's sneaking up from behind

This evil being is here to stay

And now I fade away

So so slender

So so slender